Wednesday, March 17, 2010

As a result of travel

I made 2 trips to India in the past three months. And in both the trips I was stuck surrounded by kids who were being kids (mildly understandable), and parents who were totally not being a parents...letting their kids run like a wild animal, kicking people, waking people and just generally being loud....the usual....what pissed me off was that the parents of these kids either made no discipline their kids, or totally ignored what the kid was doing and slept while other people bore the brunt of the Brat!

So it was interesting that I came across this below write up.....its all in good fun..hopefully someone dosen't take it literally and runs their mouth...

Let me say this again..this is posted as a fun read...if you have objections...just remember I am NOT listening!

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How come everyone today is too much of a pussy to smack their kids around? That's what I want to know: why are parents afraid to beat their kids? When I was a kid and I screwed up, my parents beat my ass. We didn't have a conversation about it. I didn't have a "time out." In fact, I've never even once been grounded in my life. What's the point? Send your kid to his room and make him play video games and read comic books all day? Great idea, why don't you take him to a psychiatrist while you're at it so she can pull some disorder out of her ass to hide the fact that you're a bad parent? 

Kids today need a good beating every now and then. If you don't beat your kids when they fall out of line, the next thing you know your son will go off and bang some dude in the ass just out of spite. You tell them to clean their room, they say "no," you smack them. It's simple; it works. Don't listen to these assholes on TV with their bullshit hippy psycho babble; if they had it their way, every child would be raised in a pastel colored room with Philip Glass pumped through the speakers 24 hours a day. Then again, it might not be all that bad because it will make your kids complacent, so it won't be as hard for them to swallow when they realize that they'll be spending the rest of their lives chained to a desk in a cubicle writing reports to make someone else rich. 

The problem is that kids today think their opinions matter. By not beating your kids, they get a skewed perspective of reality where they start thinking that they have it rough and that they can get away with dying their hair and listening to Insane Clown Posse. That's where you need to come in and put the law down. To help you, the negligent parent, I've put together a guide to smacking your kids for your convenience (hint: you may want to even print this guide up and hang it on your fridge as a reminder to both you and your kids). Here are some useful techniques:
5 across the eyes


  • Five across the eyes. This is a very basic maneuver and usually enough to cover most situations when your child is out of line. Simply put four fingers tightly together and either leave the thumb off to the side or fold it behind the other four fingers. Then smack your kid across the face with the back of your hand. Now this is the tricky part: make sure to snap your wrist just before contact otherwise you won't get a stinging effect. Very important because you don't want to risk letting your kid think you're a pussy
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    The sucker punch. Just ask the question "hey, what's that on your shirt?" and when they look down, bust their lip. You need to do this every now and then to keep them guessing. Don't ever let them off the hook. Just because they're not doing anything wrong doesn't mean that they didn't do something wrong earlier that you weren't aware of
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    The yard stick. Or for those of you who don't use the arbitrary American system, this is also known as "the meter stick." This is a good general purpose beating because the stick usually doesn't last beyond three or four good whacks--usually enough to send the message
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    The one-two shut-the-hell-up. This is priceless when you're shopping and your kid won't shut the hell up: "I'm hungry, I want toys, I need my Insulin..." etc. First smack your kid (the 5 across the eyes technique works). Wait a few seconds for your kid to start crying, then smack your kid again to let him know that you mean business. This usually shuts them up because they see that the amount of crying is proportional to the amount of beatings

    The 2 x 4 / PVC pipe. If you do your job as a parent, this should never have to be administered. This is for heavy duty jobs only (ie. any time your kid comes home and begins a sentence with "she might be pregnant..." or "I can _____ if I want to..." where the blank can be any of the following: smoke, have sex, experiment with drugs, watch Oprah, etc). Usually the threat of this beating is enough to keep your kid from screwing up

    The Dragon Kick. If you're interested in a permanent solution to your child giving you lip about washing the dishes, cleaning his or her room or filing your tax return, then the Dragon kick might be the technique for you. I guarantee that you will only have to ask once after the Dragon kick has been administered.

    The skull thump. A quick blow usually dealt to the side or back of the head. Simply flick them in the head with your finger. An alternative is to smack your child up side the head with your palm. Very useful for teaching your child to read when he or she makes a mistake. Hitting your child when he or she is learning builds confidence, or undermines confidence--I can't remember which.

    The one-handed chauffeur reach around. A quick reach around while you're driving to smack your kid and his friends too if they disrespect. Swerve the car back and forth for the full effect. 

    The cane intercept. If you're too old to chase your kid around the house, use the handle of your cane to trip him if he tries to get away. When he gets up, poke him in the head a few times to let him know who's boss.
    There you have it. Use these basic techniques to discipline your child if you want him or her to turn out to be a success story like me. Here's how to tell if you've fulfilled your obligations as a parent: 




    Remember: never take shit from your kids. You make payments on the house, utilities, their clothes, school, and their food. You own them. If they don't like it, they can move out. If you love your kids, love them enough to beat them so that they don't grow up to be idiots.

     2,245,644 people don't know the difference between discipline and child abuse.


    Credit to the site: http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net/c.cgi?u=beat


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    Hope you enjoyed reading ... and it was worth a few laughs :)

    Cheers

    10 comments:

    avdi said...

    haha.. funny. Really there are times when you wish you had a long whip handy to beat the crap out of kids.

    couchpapaya said...

    Lol too funny ... reminded me how much I love that site!!! I'll just be all pc and hop over there now, but I might come back to rant after my upcoming trip back home :)

    indianhomemaker said...

    Some parents are simply not fit to be parents.

    About how easy parenting would be if one could treat our kids like they did in the good old days of David Copperfield, I once wrote a 55 words post here,
    http://indianhomemaker.wordpress.com/2009/05/23/perfect-parenting-in-55-words/

    WhatsInAName said...

    Ha ha! I think I will just fwd this to my kids and ask them to choose ;)

    Bedazzled said...

    lol.. good one !..Some kids r just brats.. i guess no harm in choosing one of the techniques

    bouncingbubble said...

    my friend in US has a pre-schooler. She pinched him hard when he was being cranky. The boy promptly poattu kuduthu-fied his school teacher, and she has given a lecture about how they have to inform authorities if they get another complaint. You know how it is in Amreeka. lol.

    Vee said...
    This comment has been removed by the author.
    Vee said...

    la la la to the article... all i derived from ur experience with those annoying kids is that 'U shud have some soon; I mean a one 'if not some' soon.

    now la la la to ur reply to mine.. dont beat me, dont abuse me for my comment ... because just remember I am NOT listening!

    Angel's Flight said...

    Ava - Glad you enjoyed it! OMG a whip...you are hard core :)

    Couchppaya - did you read up there? anything good?


    IHM - I loved that post - so freaking true and ..funny!

    WITN - wow i didnt figure you'll be a tough mom :)

    Angel's Flight said...

    Bedazzled - one or more than one...a combo scores extra points

    BB - this country is nuts!! people in this country will have a heartattack if they see how we were beat up :)...and we are still alive!

    Vee - Yeah yeah...sure..will think about it.